Blog #12 2020: Hotel Quarantine DAY SEVEN

Posted on October 23, 2020 by mgbauer

They say we’re young and we don’t know, we won’t find out until we grow
Well I don’t know if all that’s true ’cause you got me, and baby I got you …

Hi all.

Today’s BLOG is brought to you by the NUMBER SEVEN and the COLOUR … GREEN!

Well another Friday has rolled around which means we’re HALFWAY THROUGH QUARANTINE!

Now first I need to address something important because I’ve had a mountain of complaints from people who apparently are only interested in the ROOM FEATURE OF THE DAY and they are constantly whining to me about the fact that they have to “wade through a whole boring blog” before they can finally get to the exciting reveal! (Does the word scroll mean anything to you people?)

Anyway in order to appease those impatient philistines, I will now announce (ahead of time) that the ROOM FEATURE OF THE DAY for Friday Oct 23rd is …

the CHAISE LOUNGE/SOFA/DIVAN thingy!

I must say that this really is a remarkable victory for the CHAISE LOUNGE/SOFA/DIVAN thingy mainly due to the fact that I wasn’t even aware that we had a CHAISE LOUNGE/SOFA/DIVAN thingy because it’s always buried under Adrie’s sewing and dress-making crap paraphernalia.

Which is a shame because it is such a lovely and comfortable looking piece of furniture and I’m really hoping that one day if all the planets align as they should, I might just be able to lie on it and, who knows, perhaps even read a book! (I know, you might say I’m a dreamer. But I’m not the only one … )

Seriously though, getting to actually lie on the CHAISE LOUNGE/SOFA/DIVAN thingy is definitely on my BUCKET LIST. Along with seeing attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion and watching C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate.

NEW FEATURE!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know there are a lot of Queensland sport fans out there so in a vain attempt to broaden my reader base I give you the inaugural QLD SPORTINGTEAM CITYCAT OF THE DAY!

Might as well start off with the greatest team of all – the MIGHTY QUEENSLAND MAROONS!

Ok I’m going to leave it there but I just want to warn you now that tomorrow is going to be an exciting and special day. You’ll have to wait to find out exactly why but what I can say is that there’ll be BIG CHANGES HAPPENING.

How will you all be able to sleep!

Cheers
Michael

PS: Spot the Inter-textual Links: What two films are alluded to in this blog?

PPS: Always great to get out of the confines of the room and fill the lungs on our daily half hour FRESH AIR breaks!

PPPS: Today’s meals.

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Blog #11 2020: Hotel Quarantine DAY SIX

Posted on October 22, 2020 by mgbauer

Hi everyone.

After answering yesterday’s fairly dubious questions I thought I might respond to some of the more legitimate questions that I’ve received mainly from folks overseas who are curious as to why we are in hotel quarantine in the first place.

So …

Are you in quarantine because you have Covid-19? NO. Neither my wife nor I have Covid-19 – as far as we are aware. We certainly are feeling fine and have absolutely no symptoms.

We are in mandatory hotel quarantine because we have returned to our home state of Queensland from 5 weeks in Melbourne, Victoria which is deemed a Covid-19 hotspot. Our Queensland state borders are closed to Victorians.

Returning Queenslanders like Ard and me can get back in as long as we quarantine in a hotel for 2 weeks and test negative to the virus. That test is coming up in a few days time. (YAY! Cotton buds up the nose! Finally something different to blog about!)

Can you choose your own hotel? NO. When we landed in Brisbane we were assigned a hotel. I think we were very lucky to get the 5 star Brisbane Marriott which is quite luxurious and lucky again to get a room on the 14th floor with a great view of the Brisbane River and the Story Bridge.

Is the cost of the hotel stay covered by the State Government? Sadly NO. The cost of 14 days at the Marriott plus 3 meals a day plus laundry services is covered by us. It’s not cheap!

So there you are.

And here are we.

Still.

But I think we’re coping pretty well considering, although I am a little worried that there may be some cracks starting to appear. For example …

Ard was going really well with her sewing and dress-making … until she decided to make me a pair of shorts.

Now either she’s got the measurements totally wrong, or I’ve put on more quarantine weight than I ever could have imagined!

I know my legs are great, but …

And now Ard’s offering to cut my hair!

Actually nothing too surprising about that. Ard’s been cutting my hair for years. (Maybe even for yonks.)

BUT if those shorts are an indication that Ard’s starting to lose it, do I really want someone who’s clearly in the grip of cabin fever standing behind me wielding a pair of scissors? (Hint: It’s a rhetorical question.)

In some less concerning and more positive exciting news, yesterday I was emailed the cover for the upcoming German edition of my young adult novel The Things The Will Not Stand. It will be released in Germany by publishers CARL HANSER in Jan 2020.

This will be the eleventh book of mine that the wonderful Carl Hanser has published. They are brilliant and one of the big reasons I was able to become a full-time writer.

I was also asked to send over a short video about the release. Yes! Something else to do!

And being the consummate performer and professional that I am, just 137 takes later, it was done! Not well done. But done.

Now I’m getting towards the end of this blog and I can almost hear a multitude of readers screaming out at me, “BUT MICHAEL, WHAT ABOUT THE HOTEL FEATURE OF THE DAY!!!!!!

Ok settle down everyone. Let’s not turn into an unruly mob. The HOTEL FEATURE OF THE DAY for Thursday Oct 22nd is …

The SHOWER NOZZLE!

Well not so much the shower nozzle itself. More the fact that a large volume of hot water pours out of it at a great rate of knots. Which means unlike some hotel showers I’ve experienced, you can do things like shampoo your hair and not have to spend the next day and a half in the shower trying to rinse it out.

Cheers all
Michael

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Blog #10 Hotel Quarantine DAY FIVE

Posted on October 21, 2020 by mgbauer

You’ll never guess where I am!

Oh, right. There you go. Well done, you. But just remember – no one loves a clever dick!

Anyway I’ve been inundated by an avalanche of questions (FACT CHECK REQUIRED) about particular details of LIFE in QUARANTINE so I thought I’d better start answering a few of them before I was completely over-whelmed.

So here goes.

Q1. Hi Michael – love your book The Things That Will Not Stand and I think everyone should read it but I was just wondering if you could explain how the daily meal deliveries work? Reebekkaaah

Sure Reebekkaaah no problems!

It’s like this. Three times a day there is a knock at our door. We have to wait for 10 seconds before opening it because, you know, virus. When we do, the Corridor Kitchen Elves (who we never see) make our food magically appear! See below. When we finish we bundle up our rubbish and place it outside and then the Corridor Cleaning Elves magically whisk it away.

Q2. Hi Michael – love your book The Running Man (even better than Stephen King’s one) and I think everyone should read it, but like all my cool friends I’m dying to know what your ROOM FEATURE OF THE DAY is. Konnaaaar

Hold your breath no longer Konnaaaar because the ROOM FEATURE OF THE DAY for Wed Oct 21st is … the EXTENDO TWO-SIDED FLIPPY MAGNIFYING BATHROOM MIRROR!

(Could only be improved if the magnifying side came with the warning: Things in this mirror may appear more horrifying than they normally do.)

Q3. Hi Michael – love your Ishmael Trilogy and I think everyone should read it but what I was wondering was, have you got any photos of your wife standing out in the ‘fresh air’ deck with her arms in the air for no apparent reason? Soozaanne

Hey, as luck would have it Soozaanne …

Q4. Hi Michael – love your book Just a Dog and I think everyone should read it, but I was wondering if you’ve taken the opportunity to let your creative juices flow while you been in quarantine? Kallum

Great question Kallum! While I’m more known as a writer of YA and Children’s books (available online or at all good bookstores and heaps of really dodgy ones!) it may come as a surprise to some that I am also highly respected for my innovative art installations.

Here’s one I whipped up today.

  • BOORI PRYOR if you’re suffering through this blog – this one’s for you.

If I can just explain it briefly for the lay person who knows nothing about ART.

You see what I’ve done is, I’ve taken an actual apple from our lunch package and I’ve written the words The Beatles on it in marker pen as a visual representation of the famous Beatles’ Apple Logo and then (and here’s the genius part) I’ve positioned the real apple ironically on my laptop right in front of a screen featuring images of numerous Beatle Apple Logos.

Of course there’s much more to it than that but I’d obviously be wasting my breath trying to explain it to someone like you Kallum.

Q5. Hi Michael – love your Eric Vale series and Rodney Loses It and I think everyone should read them but I am curious to know how the police are treating you? Jazzzzmun

Glad you asked Jazzzzmun! The BOYS in BLUE along all the Management and all the Staff at the BRISBANE MARRIOTT who have been taking care of us, get TWO THUMBS UP from Adriana and me!

And I think that’s a very good note on which to finish.

I know a lot of people will be bitter and disappointed that I didn’t get around to answering their question but I’m only human.

Plus there are only 24 hours in a day.

Which given our present circumstances Ard and I agree are FAR TOO MANY!

Cheers
Michael

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Blog #9 2020: Hotel Quarantine DAY FOUR

Posted on October 20, 2020 by mgbauer

Back again.

First up congratulations to anyone who correctly identified the intertextual links to the two films in the previous blog.

Especially ALEX G. who picked “All work and no play makes Ard a dull girl” as being a reference to THE SHINING.

And ANIL T. who identified my comment about the carpet “really tying the room together” as a refence to THE BIG LEBOWSKI.

Sadly because of Covid-19 regulations I am unable to post out the expensive prizes. Don’t worry Alex and Anil. I’m disappointed too.

And now for something we’ve all been waiting for – ROOM FEATURE OF THE DAY!

Yes, it’s the personal, flexible, directional, book-seeking bedside light!

I’ve been in lots of hotels that either don’t have bedside reading lamps or have ones that are so dull they are useless or are only capable of lighting up the page of a book if you lie them on their side in order for the light to escape past the lightshade part which is too thick to actually let any light through it! Don’t get me started. But this little light (which is there in addition to a bedside lamp) is perfect.

Well done personal, flexible, directional, book-seeking bedside light. You are a champion and a well-deserved recipient of my Room Feature of the Day!

NOW TO THE BIG NEWS.

You really won’t believe what happened today. Seriously. You won’t. When you read this you’ll say, “Michael that’s absolute rubbish! You’re either starting to hallucinate or now you’re just making stuff up to fill up your blog.

Well all I can say is that sometimes fiction is stranger than truth!

Here’s what happened. While Adriana was in the shower I noticed these suspicious items spread out on our couch.

Of course I know what they are now – dress-making patterns. Obviously.

But then I quite understandably assumed that Ard had somehow got her hands on detailed plans of the hotel air conditioning duct system and she was planning to escape from quarantine via those ducts, Tom Cruise Mission Impossible-style!

It placed me in a very tricky position.

But as a good citizen, in order to protect the health of my fellow Queenslanders, I thought it best to report my wife immediately to Hotel Security.

And well, long story short, she was arrested (mid-shower), questioned for two hours by Australian Federal Police, eventually found innocent, given a warning and released back into my custody.

So all’s well that ends well!

And as I said to Ard, sometime – maybe ten or fifteen years in the future – she’ll look back and laugh about it all.

So not a good day for Ard but at least I had a lovely relaxing quiet couple of hours to myself, so I guess every cloud really does have a silver lining.

That’s it for today.

I’ll leave you with tonight’s STORY BRIDGE colour which is PURPLE!


Cheers
Michael

PS: And today’s meals for the foodies:

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