As a published author people are constantly sending me emails asking a mountain of questions on a huge range of topics. In fact, it was only in November – the year before last year … or possibly the one before that – that I was inundated with one. And my answer on that particular occasion was:

“No. You can’t deposit 3 million US dollars from Nigeria into my bank account! What if all your money got all mixed up with all my money? How confusing would that be?’

Anyway … to prevent another inevitable flood of emails into my inbox I thought I’d try to get ahead of the game and pre-empt some of the questions I could be bombarded with this year if anybody cared a hoot about what I think or even knew who I was.

So …

Q1. Dear Michael Gerard Bauer I’m suffering from writer’s block? What do you do when you just can’t seem to find the words to say what you want to say?

A: Ummmmmm … aaaaah … pass.

Q2. Hi there author dude! I’ve noticed that in every single one of your books all you ever do is use exactly the same 26 letters over and over and over again, but you just arrange them into a lot of little groups and combinations and then string them together in a different order. Don’t you think you should be more original and creative and try something different? Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!

A: Sips fof!

Q3. Dear Mr Bauer. Recently I read your book Don’t Call Me Ishmael. It’s the best book in the history of the Universe! But … I was just wondering if you think that one of the Central Themes could be the ‘Power of Language’ and if you do, then the other thing I was wondering, was how you think that theme might be revealed through the novel’s plot and characters. I would love to hear your thoughts. And if it’s not too much trouble could you send your reply as a double-spaced 600-800 word document by May 2nd at the latest.

A: Sure. What’s your teacher’s name so that I can include it on the cover sheet?

Q4. Hi Michael. If you weren’t a full-time writer, what would you do?

A: Probably I’d return to my highly successful modelling career. 

Q5. How old are you?

A: Well you know, personally I think age is really just a state of mind and you’re only as old as you feel. So in answer to your question, I’d say I’m probably around 126.

Q6. Hey there. What is your favourite book by another author?

A: Other people write books? Why do they bother?!?

Q7. Hi MGB. When I get a new book I always read the ending first to see if I’m going to like it. Do you think this is wrong?

A: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgggggggggh!

Q8. How long is a piece of string?

A: It depends. Am I measuring it from the short end or the long end?

Q9. How do you deal with a bad review?

A: Well I like to think that there’s no such thing as a bad review. Just some people who are too stupid to realise how great my book really is.

10. When you write Picture Books for really little kids, how do you manage to get your thoughts and feelings and words down to their level?

A: Down?

Well I hope that clears up a few things. But if you have any other burning issues that you’d like answers to, I want you to know that I have what is widely regarded as a ‘dangerous’ level of knowledge on a vast range of topics – and I’m not afraid to use it! So ask away.

Cheers
Michael