Michael Gerard Bauer Author

Blog 72: In which I quickly recap 20 highlights of July, August and September.

Posted on September 23, 2014 by mgbauer

ONCE AGAIN I have failed to keep my resolution of regular blogging and so I am forced to rapidly and haphazardly retrace my steps over the past three months.

So here goes:

1. In July, Joe and I launched Secret Agent Derek ‘Danger’ Dale and The Case of Animals Behaving Really REALLY Badly at Black Cat Books Paddington Brisbane – with the help of my wife’s delicious cupcakes. A great day and a huge thanks to everyone who turned up to support us.

2. Soon after, Derek started popping up in bookshops.

3. Following Australia’s shock exit from the World Cup before the Final, I threw my support behind the Bauers’ ancestral homeland and came up trumps. YA!

4. Over a 6/7 week period, mainly in August, I visited around 30+ schools in Cairns, Brisbane, the Gold Coast, Toowoomba and Melbourne, meeting heaps of fantastic kids along the way.

5. I also managed to take some of the world’s worst selfies.

6. During my travels, I was lucky enough to catch up with some awesome writerly colleagues, including …

Oliver Phommavanh Nick Earls & Isobelle Carmody

Caroline Magerl and Lucia Masciullo Glenda Millard

7. I also met lots of dedicated, hard-working, knowledgeable, enthusiastic and friendly teachers, librarians and library staff who went out their way to make me feel very welcome and special.

8. I also checked out some of the school libraries’ wildlife including some great bush turkeys from St Joseph’s Primary School Bardon in Brisbane and this weight-challenged rabbit from the Glennie school in Toowoomba.

9. I had these as part of my morning tea at Fintona Girls school in Melbourne. Lego + Chocolate. Does it get any better?

10. I got to stay a few days with my daughter the Megstar in Melbourne which as you can see, delighted her no end.

11. I had another BIRTHDAY! Same thing happened last year. (Never too late to send presents!) Believe it or not, I’m actually looking forward to my 40s.

12. I saw this frog in a toilet at Oakey Council Library and it just about made my year.

13. Joe and I did a presentation on the Eric Vale series at the Brisbane Writers Festival. It was the first time we’d worked together and it was Joe’s first ever author/illustrator talk. The session was a sell-out in front of 250+ people. It was a lot of fun and Joe was awesome. Plus we made the Brisbane News magazine on Fathers’ Day. Proud Dad!

14. I went to the launch of Sam Wheeler’s new book Spud and Charli and had a great time.

15. I briefly considered a career as a Fairy Godfather.

16. I finished writing the third Secret Agent Derek ‘Danger’ Dale adventure, while Joe continued to work on his fantastic illustrations for the second one.

17. The Eric Vale books continued to do wonderful things that thrilled Joe and me. Eric Vale Epic Fail was shortlisted for the Children’s Choice Awards along with a bunch of wonderful books/authors and won the Bilby award in Queensland. Meanwhile, Eric Vale Super Male was named as a CBCA Notable Book. Also the Eric Vale books had their 9th overseas sale, this time an English language edition destined for Asia (China, Indonesia, Japan, Malaysia, Singapore, Taiwan and Thailand.) Amazing.

18 I spent a lazy three and half weeks waiting for my computer to update.

19. We installed an expensive new security system in our house.

20. And finally I had a well-earned break for a few days at Tewantin on the Sunshine Coast where I stood beside a lake at dusk for no apparent reason, and my wife was harassed by the local bird-life.

Cheers
Michael.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged Black Cat Books Paddington Brisbane, BWF, Caroline Magerl, CBCA Notables, Children's Choice Awards 2014, Eric Vale Epic Fail, Eric Vale Super Male, Glenda Millard, Isobelle Carmody, Joe Bauer, lego, Lucia Masciullo, Nick Earls, Oakey Council Library, Oliver Phommavanh, Samatha Wheeler, Secret Agent Derek 'Danger' Dale, Spud and Charli, St Joseph's Bardon, The Glennie School | 3 Comments

REBLOG: blog 22: In which I say, ‘Happy Father’s Day Dad’.

Posted on September 7, 2014 by mgbauer

From before I was a toddler, till well into my teenage years, my father (like the dad in The Running Man) worked away from home, mainly in the Snowy Mountains Scheme, but later, up in the Bougainville mines in PNG. Mum raised my brother, my two sisters and me pretty much entirely by herself. Dad would only be part of the family for a month or two at Christmas each year.

I was never bitter about this situation growing up. It was all I knew. At the time, I never felt like I didn’t have a father or was missing out on anything, and I never doubted for a second that he would return to us at the end of every year. I think this is why I have always loved, and been excited about Christmas.

Father’s come in many shapes and sizes and they fulfil their role in many different ways – some more successfully than others it must be said.

Below is an edited version of what I wrote for my father when he died. It was included in the funeral booklet.

FATHER CHRISTMAS

As a child, my strongest memory of Christmas Eve, was not gazing into the night sky looking out for Santa Claus, but rather sitting on the front steps of our family home in Brisbane, waiting for my father.

Throughout my childhood and into my teenage years, Dad worked down in New South Wales on the Snowy Mountains Scheme operating cranes and bulldozers. This meant we didn’t see him all year. But at Christmas he would drive non-stop from the Snowy to Brisbane in order to spend his annual leave with us.

Each year my father would arrive home late on Christmas Eve where there would usually be a party at our house and it would be full of friends and relatives waiting for him. I spent most of those nights sitting on the front steps watching the car headlights turning into our street. As each car came down the hill towards our house, I remember holding my breath, hoping that this would be the one.

Eventually, one car would approach and begin to slow down and I would feel my heart beating harder as a flashing indicator signalled a right hand turn into our driveway. As soon as I saw the insect speckled grill, the yellow NSW number plate and the dust and dirt from many hours of travelling, I would run inside shouting, “He’s here! Dad’s home!”

After my father lugged his bulging suitcase inside, there would be greetings all round and a cold beer thrust into his grateful hand. My clearest recollection of Dad on those nights was the prickle of his beard stubble when he kissed me, and being lifted high into the air, probably for the first time that year.

Later on, my brother and sisters and I would gather around as my father unbuckled the straps of his big brown suitcase. It was like watching the opening of a treasure chest. In amongst the usual clothes, toiletries and paperback Westerns, were items of real mystery and wonder.

Leather containers held large green and red die along with old pennies marked for Two-Up. Yellow plastic boxes rattled with slides depicting images of my father’s snowy world of trucks, cranes, tunnels and towering dams. An old tin overflowed with coins that my brother and sisters and I would eagerly share. Another was filled with the big shiny ball-bearings Dad would collect from the huge machines he operated and serviced. These I coveted like gold.

The next morning would bring its own special magic. The sound of a raspy smoker’s cough coming from ‘mum’s room’ would suddenly remind me that overnight my normal world had been totally transformed.

Dad was home.

Every Christmas Eve, as I pressed my face between the railings of our front steps and waited for that special set of headlights, I longed for everything that I knew was to come.

Other kids might have had their Santa Claus, but in many ways, Dad was mine. And like every good Santa should, he came from a far-away land filled with ice and snow, and brought joy and happiness at Christmas.

With only these minor differences.

Instead of a bright red sleigh, my Father Christmas drove a mud and insect splattered Holden, and in place of a sack of toys and a jolly ‘Ho! Ho! Ho!’ he appeared with a battered old suitcase and a raspy smoker’s cough.

He wasn’t perfect, but at least my Father Christmas was real.

And the best thing of all?

For a few precious and magical weeks, he lived at my house.

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“Happy Father’s Day Dad.”

Cheers
Michael

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged Fathers Day, Snowy Mountains Scheme, The Running Man | 4 Comments

blog 71: In which I explain my key role in the history of SINKING.

Posted on July 28, 2014 by mgbauer

Remember the short-lived craze of PLANKING? You know, where people would lie horizontally like a plank in various weird and unexpected places?

The Planking

Well, I was sorting through some old photos recently, and I was reminded of the little known fact that in the 70s, I was the creator of the even shorter-lived craze of SINKING! Yes it’s almost unbelievable isn’t, but it’s true. Why even today some people still refer to me as the GODFATHER OF SINKING!

The blurry photo below records for all posterity the glorious day in the late 70s when I invented the beloved phenomenon that today we all know as SINKING.

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Now for people of no more than average intelligence, possibly like yourself, the Art of SINKING, is an extremely difficult concept to comprehend. Many learned papers have been written about it, attempting unsuccessfully to explain its mysterious essence.

So let me break it down to its most basic and essential elements and explain them to you in simple layman’s terms.

The art of SINKING, more of less involves two crucial things:

Standing in a SINK for no apparent reason.
Staying there.

Now, as well as being an adrenaline pumping, extreme action sport and not for the fainthearted, SINKING has many, many other benefits.

It’s great for height-challenged people who while SINKING will suddenly discover to their joy that they have also become by far the tallest person in the house.
SINKING makes a bold and immediate statement about you to anyone who walks in the room. And that bold and immediate statement of course is: “Hey look at me! Look at me! I’m standing in a sink for no apparent reason!”
SINKING means you’ll never have dirty feet ever again! I am living proof of this. As a long-term, committed SINKER, I found that my feet became so clean and hygienic, you could eat your dinner off them. (I should point out that not many people actually took up this option and on the odd occasion anyone did, I found the whole experience extremely distressing. As well as extremely ticklish.)
SINKING even benefits NON-SINKERS! If you’re at a crowded party for example SINKING helps create more floor space for other party-goers to enjoy themselves.
SINKING sets you apart from the crowd! In fact you’ll probably find that the bulk of the crowd stays well away from you.
On the other hand SINKING can be a great way to make friends and meet like-minded people. If you find yourself joined in the sink by another person, a great opening line to break the ice and open up a conversation is, “So, you like SINKING then?”
SINKING is environmentally friendly! SINKERS contribute a very smaller carbon footprint to the household. In fact if you stay in the sink permanently, you won’t contribute any footprints to the household at all!

I could go on and on – and I usually do. But sadly today, SINKING is no longer looked upon as the great saviour it once was.

After hours of huge popularity in the late 70s, the SINKING bubble eventually burst and the SINKING way of life went down the plughole. Around the world, sinks were left abandoned and deserted and many professional SINKERS who could no longer earn a living, had to be sudsidized by the government.

These days SINKING is often looked back on and dismissed as a pointless and fruitless exercise requiring little skill or application. This could not be further from the truth!

SINKING requires an enormous amount of effort, dedication and concentration. To be an elite SINKER, you have to tap right into the very life force of the sink and let it wash over you. All of which of course can be incredibly draining.

And just before I go, a word of WARNING. Tragically, SINKING can become for some, a terrible addiction.

So please, if you find yourself constantly standing in random sinks for no apparent reason, to the detriment of your family, health or job, my advice to you, is to seek det-urgent help.

(Boom! Tish!)

Cheers
Michael

PS: And here’s a short video I made at my desk one day when I was bored. It has been widely hailed by critics both here and overseas as “A short video obviously made by a bored person.”

Posted in Uncategorized | 6 Comments

REBLOG #4: blog 24: In which I list The Top Ten Reasons for Making a List.

Posted on July 10, 2014 by mgbauer

“The List is an absolute good. The List is life!” (Itzhak Stern – Schindler’s List)

Itzhak Stern of course had very good reasons for liking the particular list referred to in the above quote, but while not every list may be an absolute good, list-making in general has many benefits.

So here for your edification are my TOP TEN REASONS FOR MAKING A LIST:

1. Drawing up a list of any kind will immediately make you appear super efficient!

EG:
Boss: How’s that big project I assigned to you going?
You: Yeah no worries, everything’s under control. I’ve got my to-do list all sorted out.
Boss: Good job!

Meanwhile your actual List is:

1. Try to figure out all the stupid stuff I have to do for my stupid big project.
2. Do all that stupid stuff.

2. Lists make everything seem ordered and organised – even if they’re not!

Can you imagine how a list would have helped that guy who developed Chaos Theory? Seriously, have you ever tried to plough your way through Chaos Theory? It’s a mess! It’s all over the place like a dog’s breakfast. If that Chaos Theory clown had just applied a few thoughtfully considered lists to his work he could have ended up developing Numerically Organised, Chronically Prioritized and Cleary Set Out Theory instead.

3. A carefully constructed list can fill you with a sense of achievement!

I ask you, who doesn’t love the unbridled thrill of slashing a line through something written on a piece of paper? And this feeling can even be enhanced by either (a) adding things to your list that you have already done or (b) including unnecessary or trivial items that are easily crossed off.

EG: MY BIG PROJECT TO-DO LIST!

1. ~~Get paper and pen to make BIG PROJECT TO-DO LIST.~~
2. ~~Think of things I have to-do.~~
3. ~~Make list.~~
4. ~~Drink copious amounts of coffee to keep brain cells firing.~~
5. ~~Eat biscuits and cake to maintain strength.~~
6. Start working on BIG PROJECT.
7. ~~Revisit points 4 & 5 regularly.~~
8. Complete BIG PROJECT.
9. ~~Have a night out on the town with the girls/guys as a reward for hard work.~~

4. If you put all your time and effort into making your list, you can put off actually doing anything on the list!

With a bit of luck, while you lose yourself in list-writing mode, all those tedious to-do things will eventually be done by someone else. Someone with time on their hands. Someone who’s not busy making lists!

5. Making one list creates the opportunity to make another list!

This is because your first list is only a draft and it will need to be revised into a second list where you eliminate unimportant items and prioritize the remainder for maximum efficiency.

EG: A DALEK’S initial to-do list.

1. Write to-do list
2. Practise voice exercises
3. Check circuitry
4. Re-calibrate ray-gun
5. Polish shiny body panels and flashing lights
6. Align and oil wheels & treads
7. Locate stairs
8. Exterminate them

DALEK’S revised, streamlined, prioritized to-do list.

1. EX-TER-MIN-ATE THEM!!!
2. EX-TER-MIN-ATE THEM!!!
3. EX-TER-MIN-ATE THEM!!!
4. EX-TER-MIN-ATE THEM!!!

6. List makers are automatically looked up to as natural-born leaders!

Take the following scenario for example: Your plane has crashed Lost-style on a remote island. You and your fellow survivors are gathered together for the first time. Everyone is frightened and confused.

Survivor 1:We’re all gunna die! What will we do!!!
(General hysteria and panic from rest of the mob)
You: Well, I’ve made a prioritized Remote Island Survival To-Do list if that’s any help.
(General cheering and prayers of thanks from mob)
Survivor 2: Great! What’s first on the list?
You: Number One – “Elect a leader”.
Survivor 3: Leader? Well what about you then? It’s your list. You should be leader.
Mob: Yes him/her! The list guy/girl! We want that dude/chick – the one with the list! Only the List-maker can save us! The List-maker has all the answers! List-maker! List-maker! List-maker! List-maker!
You: Ok, ok settle down everyone, I’ll do it. I’ll be your leader. Now let’s see; we’ve elected a leader so I can cross that one off. We’re making good progress!
(General murmur of approval and sense of achievement from mob)
Survivor 2: Cool! What’s next?
You: Point Number Two: “Make sure all of your elected leader’s needs and desires are satisfied before your own.”

7. I have it on good authority that if you make a list and check it twice (especially at Christmas), you can miraculously gain the ability to know who is naughty and who is nice!

Can you imagine what you could do with information like that?!? Apart from the obvious personal advantages, you could sell that info to tele-marketers for a fortune!

8. Being a list-maker puts you in the same echelon as other famous list-ers like Moses, Schindler, Santa Claus, and that Tower in Pisa. (You might have to think about it for a while. I don’t mind waiting.)

9. Making a list sends out positive vibes about you to complete strangers.

You: Hey I’m making a list!”
Complete Stranger: Wow. Did you hear that? He/she is making a list. That means he/she can write. And COUNT. ALMOST AT THE SAME TIME!!!!!!

10. But the most important reason for making a list is this: if you are a Blogger and you construct your Blog in the form of a List, it virtually guarantees that you will get more views and more comments than usual. I mean, come on. Who doesn’t love a list?

Cheers
Michael