Well it’s been over a month since my wife and I completed our two week hotel quarantine and I have to say I think we have adjusted very well to outside life.

For example, Adriana is no longer spending hours weeping at the front door waiting for our meals to be delivered and I’m proud to say that I have finally reverted to wearing pants on a semi-regular basis.

So that means apart from the odd hiccough here and there, life at the Bauer Haus has pretty much returned to normal.

However I now have a much more important issue I wish to discuss with you.

Namely this: BEING MISQUOTED.

If you are ever tempted to Google the following – “Michael Gerard Bauer” quote – and then click on IMAGES you will come across some posters with quotes attributed to me.

(Oh and by the way, I should point out here that if at any time you actually do find yourself tempted to Google those words, it might be wise to first sit down and try to work out exactly where, when and how your life went so terribly wrong.)

Anyway, the main two quotes attributed to me that appear on a range of sites are these:

Lovely aren’t they? And WISE!

But you see the thing is I’VE NEVER SAID EITHER OF THEM!

As far as I can figure out the drawing quote is by French artist Gerard Bauer (1947 – ) and the voice quote is a by French writer, journalist and essayist Gerard Bauer (1888 – 1967) but on just about every quote site I get credited with them!

And it doesn’t end there.

NOW it seems things I’ve never said are being re-quoted in weird places like in this article in The Times of India of all places.

Voice dubbing is a sophisticated task — Australian author Michael Gerard Bauer wrote that voice is a second face — and it involves getting various nuances of speech right. It amplifies the effect of the actions and emotions being portrayed on the screen, and many popular actors have had their lines spoken by studio talent.

NO, I DIDN’T!

Although I must admit of all the things I haven’t said (and believe me when I tell you there have been plenty!) The voice is a second face is probably my favourite.

Maybe I should just tweak it a little and claim copyright?

“THE FACE IS A SECOND VOICE.”

You heard it here first!

It is a little depressing though. After all, I’ve had 16 books of various kinds published, I’ve written a couple of things for newspapers and I’ve been interviewed on various occasions in magazines and online, so you’d hope just by sheer chance and weight of numbers I might have strung together a line or two of my own words that were actually worth quoting.

But I’ve never really had much luck with quotes.

For example here are all the quotes that have been posted by people on my Good Reads Author Page.

Michael Gerard Bauer quotes Showing 1-7 of 7

1. “Twelve days will be heaps of time. You don’t want to over-rehearse these things, otherwise you lose that rough edge”
― Michael Gerard Bauer, Ishmael and the Hoops of Steel.

Yes ok, that is from that book. But why that particular line? Without context it doesn’t even make sense. And there are thousands of better lines than that. Really!

2. “He’s not just a dog, he’s a member of the family”
― Michael Gerard Bauer, Just a Dog.

Wrong. This appears nowhere in the book. \It’s just some cliché someone has taken from a blurb or review somewhere that someone else has written.

3. “I’m just letting you know that these stories I’m writing are not going to be about a superhero TV kind of dog. Our dog Mister Mosely. And they will all be true. Even the ones that I wish weren’t.”
― Michael Gerard Bauer, Just a Dog.

Yes it’s a quote from the book BUT there’s some crucial words left out in the middle so it doesn’t read properly or make much sense. This is how it should go with the missing words re-instated.

“I’m just letting you know that these stories I’m writing are not going to be about a superhero TV kind of dog. They’re not. They’re going to be about a normal, everyday dog. Our dog Mister Mosely. And they will all be true. Even the ones that I wish weren’t.”

4. “Pick”
― Michael Gerard Bauer, Don’t Call Me Ishmael.

WTF??????? No idea what this means. Your guess is as good as mine. Although I checked and the word ‘pick’ does appear in the book in various forms. 15 times in fact. Maybe I should be more picky with my picks?

5. “Faulkner’s Fried Food and Funeral Parlour. You die – we fry.”
― Michael Gerard Bauer, Ishmael and the Return of the Dugongs.

YES FINALLY! I’ll pay that. Happy to have that quote included. See how witty and darkly hilarious I can be if I put my mind to it!

6. “No man is an island entire to himself”
― Michael Gerard Bauer, Ishmael and the Return of the Dugongs.

Wrong. Used in the book but it’s a quote from poet John Donne not me.

7. “No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.”
― Michael Gerard Bauer, Ishmael and the Return of the Dugongs.

Wrong. Used in the book but it’s a quote by Voltaire (I think) not me.

So just to recap, of the 7 quotes attributed to me: 3 are totally wrong, 1 doesn’t make any sense because it’s just one word, 1 is inaccurate, 1 lacks context, which leaves only 1 legitimate worthwhile quote.

I from 7. Not a great strike rate.

Of course in the past I have also been slanderously misquoted by author colleague (both terms really need to be fact-checked) Richard Newsome.

Just to balance the ledger, here’s a quote from Richard that I’ve heard him repeat on countless occasions.

So that’s my little whinge about being misquoted done. I suppose there are worse things in the world that can happen to you.

But still, your own words are important. After all as I’ve said on many occasions, the voice is a second face.

And you can quote me one that!

Cheers
Michael

And if I can just leave you with something I really did say recently. It’s about the launch of my book THE THINGS THAT WILL NOT STAND in Germany in January 2021 by Carl Hanser Verlag.