Remember the short-lived craze of PLANKING? You know, where people would lie horizontally like a plank in various weird and unexpected places?

Well, I was sorting through some old photos recently, and I was reminded of the little known fact that in the 70s, I was the creator of the even shorter-lived craze of SINKING! Yes it’s almost unbelievable isn’t, but it’s true. Why even today some people still refer to me as the GODFATHER OF SINKING!

The blurry photo below records for all posterity the glorious day in the late 70s when I invented the beloved phenomenon that today we all know as SINKING.

Now for people of no more than average intelligence, possibly like yourself, the Art of SINKING, is an extremely difficult concept to comprehend. Many learned papers have been written about it, attempting unsuccessfully to explain its mysterious essence.

So let me break it down to its most basic and essential elements and explain them to you in simple layman’s terms.

The art of SINKING, more of less involves two crucial things:

1. Standing in a SINK for no apparent reason.
2. Staying there.

Now, as well as being an adrenaline pumping, extreme action sport and not for the fainthearted, SINKING has many, many other benefits.

1. It’s great for height-challenged people who while SINKING will suddenly discover to their joy that they have also become by far the tallest person in the house.
2. SINKING makes a bold and immediate statement about you to anyone who walks in the room. And that bold and immediate statement of course is: “Hey look at me! Look at me! I’m standing in a sink for no apparent reason!”
3. SINKING means you’ll never have dirty feet ever again! I am living proof of this. As a long-term, committed SINKER, I found that my feet became so clean and hygienic, you could eat your dinner off them. (I should point out that not many people actually took up this option and on the odd occasion anyone did, I found the whole experience extremely distressing. As well as extremely ticklish.)
4. SINKING even benefits NON-SINKERS! If you’re at a crowded party for example SINKING helps create more floor space for other party-goers to enjoy themselves.
5. SINKING sets you apart from the crowd! In fact you’ll probably find that the bulk of the crowd stays well away from you.
6. On the other hand SINKING can be a great way to make friends and meet like-minded people. If you find yourself joined in the sink by another person, a great opening line to break the ice and open up a conversation is, “So, you like SINKING then?”
7. SINKING is environmentally friendly! SINKERS contribute a very smaller carbon footprint to the household. In fact if you stay in the sink permanently, you won’t contribute any footprints to the household at all!

I could go on and on – and I usually do. But sadly today, SINKING is no longer looked upon as the great saviour it once was.

After hours of huge popularity in the late 70s, the SINKING bubble eventually burst and the SINKING way of life went down the plughole. Around the world, sinks were left abandoned and deserted and many professional SINKERS who could no longer earn a living, had to be sudsidized by the government.

These days SINKING is often looked back on and dismissed as a pointless and fruitless exercise requiring little skill or application. This could not be further from the truth!

SINKING requires an enormous amount of effort, dedication and concentration. To be an elite SINKER, you have to tap right into the very life force of the sink and let it wash over you. All of which of course can be incredibly draining.

And just before I go, a word of WARNING. Tragically, SINKING can become for some, a terrible addiction.

So please, if you find yourself constantly standing in random sinks for no apparent reason, to the detriment of your family, health or job, my advice to you, is to seek det-urgent help.

(Boom! Tish!)

Cheers
Michael

PS: And here’s a short video I made at my desk one day when I was bored. It has been widely hailed by critics both here and overseas as “A short video obviously made by a bored person.”