Michael Gerard Bauer Author

2024 Week 24: Ten SURE-FIRE ways to beat WRITER’S BLOCK – Revisited!

Posted on June 19, 2024 by mgbauer

In one of my very early blogs I wrote about beating Writer’s Block and since I’m late with this blog, am strapped for time and can’t think of anything to write, I thought a revisit would be highly appropriate!

So …

Hey, have you ever suffered from WRITER’S BLOCK? You haven’t? Well no one likes a clever dick.

But for the rest of humanity, I give below the benefit of my under-appreciated, and virtually untapped, wisdom.

TEN SURE-FIRE WAYS TO BEAT WRITER’S BLOCK!

1. Get someone to give you a short, sharp WHACK to the side of the head with a blunt object.

I know that this particular technique works well whenever I get a fuel blockage in the lawn mower so I’m pretty sure the same principle would apply to ideas stuck in the brain. (Just a word of caution. It might be wise to ensure that the person who you choose to administer the blow, is at least vaguely fond of you.)

2 Another way to beat writer’s block is ummmmmmmmm … … … aaaaaaaaaaaah ………………..

WHAAAAAAACK!!!!!!

Hey, I know! Just think of your FAVOURITE WRITER and ask yourself what they would do in the same situation.

So for example if you’re stuck for ideas and you’re writing a horror novel ask, What would Stephen King do now? If it’s a fantasy story What would Tolkien do now? If you’re like me, you might ask, What would Markus Zusak do now?

The good thing about this solution is that no matter who you choose, the answer is always the same!

They would probably come up with some really brilliant idea that would dramatically advance the plot, reveal character and totally enthrall readers.

So, yeah, just do that.

3. Throw in the TOWEL.

Stare at the blank page/computer screen and say, Oh well that’s it then. I’m stuffed. I got nothin’. What a joke. I’m not a writer. What was I thinking? I must have been crazy to start this story! I’m gonna eat some worms. (Warning: This option, although quite liberating, does not come highly recommended.)

4. Look on your writer’s block not as a problem but an OPPORTUNITY!

Eg. Hey while I’m temporarily bereft of ideas, I’ll have time to make myself a cup of coffee! Or, depending on the extent or your blockage, Hey I’ll have time to clean the house/build that deck/study for my PhD/find myself/complete the map of the human genome! (Wait. Scrap that last one. Apparently it’s already been done. Probably by someone with writer’s block!)

5. Blame EXTERNAL FACTORS for your inability to come up with any decent ideas.

Some possible options are:

It’s too hot/cold/mild to write!

How can I be expected to think of any good ideas, and scroll endlessly through my social media at the same time!

This computer’s crap! It’s last year’s model! I bet Tolstoy never had to put up with equipment like this!

All my teachers let me down. They should have MADE me pay attention in class. That’s their job!

I blame my overwhelming external factors!

6. STEAL AN IDEA from another book, preferably one by a long dead author who can’t accuse you of plagiarism.

So for example: Not enough drama, emotion and tension in your children’s adventure story? Then why not have your protagonist lose a leg to a great white whale? (Tip: Maybe make it a beige whale in order to disguise the actual source of your inspiration.)

mobydick

7. Use the ‘COME BACK LATER’ technique.

If you hit a difficult point in your story and you’re not sure exactly how to proceed just type in the line – Insert something interesting here – in your manuscript and move on. This leaves you free to write the rest of the story and then ‘come back later’ to finish that tricky bit when you’re good and ready! However, if your story ends up sounding like the example below, you may still have some work to do.

Darius felt his stomach churn as he entered the grounds of his new school, Desolation High for the first time … Insert something interesting here … ‘Phew,’ sighed Darius on graduation day, ‘I’m glad those five years are over!’

8. Start asking ‘WHAT IF?’ questions to stimulate story-line ideas.

What if my main character inherited a million dollars? What if he/she/they had to face his/her/their greatest fear? What if he/she/they isn’t what he/she/they seems? What if he/she/they has a secret?

NB: Types of ‘What if’ questions you should avoid are – What if I never come up with another good idea ever again in my entire life? What if I totally suck at writing but everyone is too nice to tell me so? What if all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy?

What if all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy?

What if all work and no play …

From “The Shining”.

9. Use the power of POSITIVE THOUGHT.

Repeat the mantra: There is no such thing as writer’s block. There is no such thing as writer’s block. Which is probably true. It might just be that you’ve entered a time in your life where, for whatever reason, you may not be able to think of any good writing ideas for a very, very, very long time. If ever.

10. Recognise that writers’ block might actually be a GOOD THING. (This one’s a bit ridiculous but I’m running out of ideas here so I’d just thought I’d put it in for a laugh.)

Have you ever thought that having to stop and think for a while, even a long while, might actually be a good thing for your writing? That maybe you don’t suffer from writers’ block at all, but rather benefit from it. After all it could just mean that you’re so pig-headed and determined and passionate about your writing, that you’re stubbornly blocking out and refusing to accept anything that’s not good enough. And surely that’s a good sign? I mean, the worse thing you could possibly be as a writer is easily satisfied. Right? So maybe look at it this way. You don’t have writer’s block at all. What you have there is writer’s quality control. All you’re doing is just telling your muse in no uncertain terms, I’m still here you bastard and no matter how long it takes, I’m not going anywhere until you and I can come up with something I can be proud of!

That’s it. I hope a tidal wave of words and ideas are now spewing forth!

New blog next week I promise. If I can think of something to write.

Cheers
Michael

PS: The image above is for all those people who have asked me over the years why I’ve never posted a photo of myself with a crocheted bicycle.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged creative-writing, writer, Writers' block, Writing, Writing tips | Leave a comment

2024 Week 23: And the Words of the Prophets were written on the Library Desks …

Posted on June 11, 2024 by mgbauer

When I started at the University of Queensland in the 70s (!) there was an out-of-the-way area on the upper levels of the MAIN LIBRARY where I used to regularly sit with a group of friends.

The desks looked like these ones:

Except back then many of them were scribbled over with words of wisdom and otherwise from years of previous occupants – and not just on the flat desk sections but all up the side and back panels as well.

When my friends and I took over a particular cluster of desks and made them our own it didn’t seem wrong that we should enthusiastically participate in this great literary tradition.

And I personally think we really raised the standards! Two desks in particular – the ones that my best friend and I occupied – became like physical desk-shaped versions of Facebook and Twitter.

Nothing we wrote was crude or offensive. Instead we left messages, jokes, comments, bits of news, random philosophy and tried to out-do each other by writing humorous anecdotes and verse. Sometimes other friends or strangers contributed and every available surface of the desks soon became cluttered with ideas and words.

Reading the desks became a very enjoyable way to pass the time.

Whenever I went to the library to study, the first thing I would do was to check our two desks thoroughly for any new material. Then I would respond in some way or write something new. Sometimes quite briefly, sometimes in more epic proportions.

For example because my friend and I were both fans of English football at the time he and I created a number of multi-verse poetic ballads on the exploits our soccer heroes.

Strangely enough, I don’t actually remember doing much STUDY at those desks. (This could explain my early Uni results.)

ANYWAY one day towards the end of the year we returned to our spot in the library after a holiday break and found that all the desks had been totally sanded clean and resurfaced. Talk about outrageously, disrespectful behaviour!

EVERYTHING WAS GONE! ALL OUR BRILLIANCE VANISHED! OH THE HORROR!

Can you believe a University was capable of such VANDALISM? It was on a par with Nazi book burning and someone liquid-papering over the Dead Sea Scrolls!

(It’s just my opinion of course, but if anything those two desks should have been clear varnished so that the priceless wit and wisdom they held could have been preserved in a museum for posterity. )

To our credit, we didn’t lay a pen on the refurbished desks. It didn’t seem right.

And as far as I can recall, we didn’t congregate around those desks for much longer after that. It just didn’t feel like home any more.

All of which just goes to show that one person’s GOLD is another person’s GARBAGE. (As a quick glance at the reviews on Goodreads will certainly confirm.)

But you know what? Maybe it’s for the best that those graffitied words from my early long-haired Uni days have been lost.

After all, I still have my diaries from back then and reading them makes me think that perhaps there’s a slim chance my precious words might not have been quite as GOLDEN as I remember them.

Cheers
Michael

PS: DO NOT WRITE ON FURNITURE!

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged Main Library, University of Queensland, UQ | 2 Comments

2024 Week 22: Home again, Home again, Jiggity-Jig.

Posted on June 5, 2024 by mgbauer

Well we’re back home from CANBERRA and the Corridors of Power and just in time too! WINTER has now officially arrived.

Of course it’s a well known fact that if born and bred Queenslanders are trapped down SOUTH when WINTER clicks in, it’s generally FATAL. Down there they regularly have temperatures in the SINGLE figures and even NEGATIVES. (Although I’m pretty sure that last bit is an urban myth. Negative temperatures? HA! Pull the other one. We Banana Benders aren’t that gullible!)

Up here in the Sunshine State or Wally’s World as some die-hard Maroons* supporters like to call it, we don’t really have Winter as such. (* see final paragraphs)

Up here in Brissie and S/E QLD for example we just have SUMMER and the three basic settings – High, Medium and Low. (We normally avoid that Low setting like the plague.)

Further NORTH in QLD they just have High and Medium Summer. And in the DEEP NORTH around CAIRNS for example they just have either SUMMER or ‘It looks like I might only have to put two layers of sun-screen on today.’

Anyway, all that is neither Here nor There and I only mention it because, well, to be honest, I haven’t got much else to say in this Blog.

However in other news …

A couple of days ago I received an email containing the completed colour illustrations for one of the two pictures books I have under contract with Scholastic Australia. It’s due to come out next year. Can’t tell you too much about it or show any images at this stage but I can say that the illustrator is doing a fabulous job and I’m really happy with the way the words and illos are coming together.

Can’t wait to see the finished product and be able to share it with everyone – especially our gorgeous grand-kiddielinks.

I haven’t been doing much new writing apart from a bit of tinkering with some other possible picture book texts. The bulk of my time at present is tied up working on a separte PROJECT which I’ll blog about at a later date but which unfortunately at present I can’t really say anything about.

And NO, its got nothing to do with my wife and I and our (top secret) work as International Espionage Agents or me planning to get the band back together for a farewell World Tour (sadly).

* Of course the importance of everything I’ve mentioned so far pales into insignificance compared to the fact that tonight is GAME I of the men’s 2024 RUGBY LEAGUE STATE OF ORIGIN SERIES!

For those of you you are unaware of what this is (and I find this SHOCKING in the extreme!) it’s the WORLD’S GREATEST SPORTING EVENT where every year a team of fine upstanding young Queensland men and a team of fine upstanding young Queensland women take on their opposing team of ne’er-do-wells and reprobates from the EVIL EMPIRE of New South Wales in three games of Rugby League Football – ie the GREATEST GAME OF ALL!

Of course I’m not saying it will be the END OF THE WORLD if Queensland lose tonight. No, that’s silly. It will merely be a tragic HORROR of epic proportions as there will still be two more games remaining for us to come back.

If we go on to lose the Series, THAT’S when the world ends. Obviously.

Cheers and Up the Mighty Maroons!
Michael

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged Brisbane, Cairns, Canberra, Maroons, nrl, picture books, Queensland, Scholastic Australia, State of Origin, Winter | Leave a comment

2024 Week 21: Our brief Canberra visit explained in (badly) rhyming couplets.

Posted on May 28, 2024 by mgbauer

Mike and Adriana BAUER
In the Corridors of POWER
There to visit Uncle JIM
(Back row, middle boy – that’s HIM!)

Then Ar-bor-e-tum shared its VIEW
With 50,000 trees they GREW
And even more there was to SEE
Up on the peak of Mount AINSLIE*

(*Author’s Note: Yes I admit that last rhyme is a bit forced but if you put the emphasis on the second syllable of Ains-lie and don’t think about it too much and you close one eye and squint through the other one, it kind of works, doesn’t it? In any case, it really pales in comparison to the terrible rhymes that are about to come up, so for goodness sakes, stop you’re complaining!)

Then we hit the NGA
Where Vincent’s works were on DISPLAY
Paintings bright and strong and BOLD
Important stories to be TOLD

But there is one who seems to FEAR A
Portrait made by NAMATJIRA
Yet for me I’ve never SEEN A
Finer painting of our GINA*

(*You were warned!)

A final stroll round Walter’s LAKE
Stopped for coffee, had some CAKE
Said G’day to P.M. BOB
Although I’m one of Albo’s MOB

Then back to Brissie we must FLY
Time had come to bid GOODBYE
To trees and birds and open SPACES
To all the high and mighty PLACES
To the city Griffins PLANNED –
A ‘Meeting Place’ on Ngunnawal LAND.

Cheers
Michael

PS: A.I.’s helpful advice to me on this blog included the following: Lastly, ensuring a consistent rhyme scheme throughout the piece can enhance the poetic elements.

Now that’s just CRUEL!