When we were young if ever my brother and sisters and I asked for something that our mother Elsie considered ‘over the top’ she would chastise us by saying, “You want portholes in your coffin!”

For example:

“Mum can I have a some stale crust to go with my bowl of steam?”
“You want portholes in your coffin!”

“Mum will you buy me a piece of string for my birthday?”
“You want portholes in your coffin!”

My mother had quite a few of these stock responses.

If she was finding us particularly galling and annoying she would hit us with one or other of these two dire warnings, “You’ll be laughing on the other side of your faces soon!” or “Someday the shoe will be on the other foot!”

At least she did, until the glorious day arrived when she got so angry and flustered that she came out with, “You’ll be laughing on the other side of your foot one day!” This of course resulted in much hilarity and Mum was never able to use either expression again without someone quoting her mistake back at her.

For me, mum’s most irritating stock response was the one she often gave when you asked her a question.

“Mum why can’t I stay up and watch The Twilight Zone?”
“Because Y is a crooked letter and you can never make it straight.”

“Mum in a triangle, why is the square on the hypotenuse equal to the sum of the squares on the other two sides?”
“Because Y is a crooked letter and you can never make it straight.”

“Mum why do bad things happen to good people?”
“Because Y is a crooked letter and you can never make it straight.”

Thanks Mum. I just knew there had to be a perfectly logical explanation for all those mysteries!

Sadly I tried to apply my Mother’s wisdom in a Science exam at school one day.

QUESTION 12. Why do different liquids have different boiling points?
ANSWER: Well I’m not sure on all the specific scientific theory behind it but according to my mother it’s because Y is a crooked letter and you can never make it straight.

(Here’s a tip to any students out there – you get no reward for attempting to be funny in a Science exam.)

My mother actually had quite an arsenal of responses especially designed for deflecting questions.

“Mum what are you making?”
“A wig-wam for a goose’s bridle.”
“Really? Looks just like a cake.”

“Mum why do girls have different bits to boys?”
“That’s for me to know and for you to find out.”

Of course with my mother being such a tremendous font of information and my father only being around at Christmas, it’s little wonder I grew up knowing next to nothing.

These days Adrie and I also have our own stock responses.

For example if one of us has been away – perhaps at work or down to the shop or maybe even just in the next room – and we return, the other one will invariably say, “So, you came crawling back then?”

I don’t know how or why this started, but there is some strange satisfaction to be derived from  sneering at your partner when they return from the toilet and declaring self-righteously, “Hah! So you came crawling back then!” Try it. I highly recommend it.

Some of our stock responses come from movies and TV.

For example if I were to tell Adrie that I love her, then 9 times out of 10 her reply would be, “And I tolerate you.” This is just one of dozens of lines that are often repeated at our house from the hilarious Lano and Woodley TV series.

Oh and just in case you’re interested Adrie’s 10th response to my declaration of love usually is, “Of course you do. I’m adorable! (And Dimity if you’re reading this, she is not funny and she should not be encouraged.)

I get my own back by quoting a Lloyd Bridges line from Flying High.

Ard: Mike, don’t you think you should give the lawn a mow?
Me: No. That just what they’d expect me to do!

But there was one particular line Ard and I always used to look forward to quoting.

It came from a children’s picture book called Bruno’s Band. The book was a family favourite. (Which is really saying something because the main character is a cat and Ard and I aren’t exactly cat people. Sorry cat people.)

Anyway in the story Bruno the cat lives with a family who run a cafe. But Bruno longs to see the world and experience another kind of life. So he heads off and has adventures and meets fellow travellers and fellow musicians along the way (if I remember rightly Bruno plays the fiddle) and they form a band  out on the road. Then, when Bruno eventually tires of travelling he returns home with his new friends only to realise that this is where he should be. The final image is of Bruno and his band playing in the cafe with people laughing and sharing good food and good cheer around him.

The story ends with: “This is the life,” said Bruno. “There is no better life than this.”

Back when Ard and I were both teachers, and it was finally December and the stress and busy-ness of another hectic school year was over at last, we would smile and quote those lines to each other. Often at the time, we would be lazing with the kids  in a resort pool somewhere on the Gold or Sunshine Coast with the Christmas holidays stretching out before us.

Sometimes like Bruno, it pays to sit back and think about what you’ve got and the good things in your life. I know that whenever I do, I feel very fortunate indeed.

Of course if I could have portholes in my coffin, then everything would be perfect!

Cheers
Michael